Eggs

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Guess who’s currently at the tail end of having a really long, soul-searching cry?

I recently decided that my iPhone and laptop are banned from my bedroom when I’m trying to fall asleep (except of course for this momentary exception), and without them there are no distractions. Lying awake in bed waiting for the couple on the 2nd floor to finish having sex so I could finally fall asleep, my mind started to wander. Only the sound of the rabbits above me, and the realization of my own loneliness below.

I’ve been pretty quiet on this blog for the past several weeks. I know better than this… I know I should push through and try to post things when I’m at a low point, but it is so hard to actually do it. When I’m feeling frustrated and helpless, nothing really catches my interest or seems to be worth writing about, much less reflecting on.

I think the past few months have been a time of realization for me. In many ways, moving back to Ft. Worth and into a better fitting job have filled the needs I knew they would. But I’m no longer in college. This city isn’t a constant mix of new people to meet and close friends just down the hall. I’m not experiencing the same life stage as most of my peers anymore. Why I thought a change of venue would remedy that is beyond me.

There are times (increasing in occurrence) when I’m convinced it doesn’t matter how much I accomplish in my professional life, because my personal life is already so stunted. I have watched my friends get married, buy houses, and have their first and second (and some of you overachievers, third) children. For a while, I dismissed my infrequent bouts of jealousy as just momentarily succumbing to that Southern ideal of the prescribed timeline. I shouldn’t have. I’m realizing now that pushing back those desires for the past 6-7 years has only delayed the inevitable: I truly want to get married, have children, and have a home of my own. And more often than not these days, I feel like I’ve run out of time. I’m both too late and too far behind. My head knows that’s a stupid, overly-simplistic statement, but my emotions are much stronger than my head when it comes to my personal life.

Not helping those emotions: mid-cry/life-analyzation tonight, I had a disappointing revelation. Over the past several years I’ve become more and more of an introvert. (Hi, introverts! This is not an insult… I’m just not naturally one of you. So, for me to slowly start acting like one is concerning.)

I realized that I’ve slowly become more and more reluctant to meet new people, to put myself in situations where there’s lots of social interaction (especially if it involves mid-to-upper-class “put-together” types… you know what I mean). But who is this? I may never have been the one dancing on tables at parties, but historically, I’ve never had problems making friends. Up through my first year of grad school, I was still operating on a pretty high level of self-confidence.

I think as the years progressed and I started to fit in less with my peers in terms of physical appearance, financial situation and relationship status, I just lost the desire to put myself out there. Too many chances to be judged. I never had the money, or the clothes, or the figure, or the relationship, that would give me that base level of confidence among people my age. (Also, singers can be petty, judgmental bitches, so there’s that.)

I’ve never thought that these potential judgements from strangers would’ve been fair, or accurate, or based in any kind of logic, but one can only tell themselves that so many times before it sounds like you’re just making excuses. I like me, but I’m not sure anyone else will. What the fuck.

It’s not lost on me that more consistent exercise would brighten my mood pretty dependably even without factoring in weight loss, but the challenge of re-motivating oneself to get back into the pattern is bigger than you’d think. I’m also convinced my body is still adjusting to both the re-introduction of hormones and the fact that the sky currently gets dark at 5pm (yes, that really does affect me). Right now, I feel like I’m barely fighting a hopeless battle.

Please don’t read too much into this, but feel free to read a little into it. I’m pretty sad these days, when I’m not busy being happy.

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Dance Class, Day 2

Today, my sister and I went to our second class at the new gym, a dance class with a different teacher.  I am so out of practice.  It’s amazing what 3-4 months off will do to you.  (Also, carpet instead of wooden floors… kind of a bummer, but I’ll get used to it.)

My sister took well to the moves used in this class – a little more 80′s-inspired than I’m used to – but I pretty much felt like this the entire time.  (Ok, let’s be real…even worse than this.)

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Back at It / Day 1

My health’s past 3 1/2 months, in pictures:

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And today, first day back at the gym:

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(ok, really this)

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and now:

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Stop The Presses

I joined a gym today!  That is all.

More to come later…  I’m sleepy.

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Hormoooones!!!!

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Can Halloween just be over already so I can go to the store and buy up all of the 50% off candy?

So, here’s the thing: I’m a bit of a mess, already.  Three days into being back on the prescription that would make your grandma blush, I’m a big bag of emotions.  I may have cried all the way home from work today.  I might have considered going to the store in my pajamas just for a Snickers bar.  I’m very happy to be back on the magic pill that fixes so many of my problems, but damn it, I was in bed at 7 tonight!

“Why would you just go off such an important prescription cold turkey, Anne?”

Good question!  If it weren’t something really important, I wouldn’t have.  My last (very thorough) blood panel showed an abnormally elevated cardio CRP level, despite the fact that every other test improved, some drastically.

A bit of a primer from WebMD on cardio CRP, which is something I think most of us have never heard of:

“C-reactive protein — or CRP — appears to be correlated to heart disease risk. Inflammation (swelling) of the arteries has been linked to an increased risk of heart disease, heart attack, stroke, and peripheral arterial disease.

Doctors can test your blood for CRP. The body produces CRP during the general process of inflammation. Therefore, CRP is a ‘marker’ for inflammation, meaning its presence indicates an increased state of inflammation in the body.”

Scary stuff!  This is why I took it so seriously.  My doctor thought it might be related to birth control (apparently, positive CRP results also occur during the last half of pregnancy or with the use of birth control pills), so I did some research.  The last time I was totally off of the pill, my cardio CRP level was practically optimal.  Unfortunately, it’s not a common test for a blood panel, and I didn’t have much other data to compare it against.

So, we decided I would go off of it for 3-4 months, then test again.  Result: my results last week showed that the CRP level plunged way down (almost by half!), basically proving that I don’t have some kind of life-threatening cardiac inflammation, just a side effect of birth control.

THANK GOD.  I need this pill so badly.  My skin and hair have been terrible for the past four months. I’ve been reminded daily of how self-conscious I felt before having clear skin and non-oily hair.  I’m pretty sure that it’s also affected my appetite and my ability to deal with stress.  I’m glad for my health’s sake that we did the experiment, but I’m so ready to go back to feeling like an adult and not a moody, awkward 16-year-old.  I did my time on that front many years ago.

Now to get over the new-hormone hump and feel like myself again…

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