At least there’s this…

Things are stressful, exciting, complicated, etc these days, but at least there’s this: I’m solidly in week four of not having any sodas in my apartment.

Having no income makes Dr. Pepper pretty easy to say no to in the grocery store.  I still indulge in some if I’m being taken out to dinner (jeez, pathetic) or if I’m out of the apartment and a McDonald’s is nearby ($1), but this has pretty drastically cut down my consumption of that sweet, sweet crack in a bottle.  I was stress-drinking it a lot before my trip to Europe.

I’ve replaced it with watered-down lemonade and limeade (those frozen things you dump in some water and stir around).  1/3 glass drink, 2/3 glass water.  It’s served me pretty well!  Still sweet and refreshing, but no caffeine and so much less sugar/syrup.

Next small change: getting back to exercising.  My unemployment melancholy really needs it.

Things you do while unemployed

Eat big, homemade meals.
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You’ve got more time than money, so it actually makes sense. (Whole foods are so affordable.)

 

Brainstorm ideas for extra money to get you through the job search.
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My sister and her boyfriend are officially fired from helping me brainstorm.

 

Totally forget what day of the week it is, and what time of day humans usually do things.
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People are supposed to wake up at 10, eat lunch at 2:30, and clean the apartment at midnight, right?

 

Take up a new, hand-busying hobby.
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I will too make money off of these on Etsy!

 

Swing wildly back and forth between living in a total mess and a spotless apartment.Image
Hint: current state of apartment = total psychological giveaway.

 

Get addicted to a stupid computer game while trying to take your mind off of things.
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See: MiniMetro and Cargo Shipment SF.

 

Walk the dog, a lot.
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I’m actually ok with this one :)

You know when they ask you about “life changes” in stress questionnaires?

Yeah, I’ve racked up a few since I last wrote.

1. Left my job.  I won’t go into details, but it was a good thing.
2. Went on an (already paid for) 11 day trip to Switzerland and Italy, and had a great time getting to know the Swiss relatives.
3. Decided to pursue a European career in opera (very much precipitated by the departure from my job).  I’m probably going to have to come up with a precise, medium-term (1-2 years) plan for this.  And I can’t just not work, so I’ll still be looking for jobs over the next month or so.  No pressure or anything.
4. Decided to move out of my now-too-expensive 1-bed apartment and either back home with my parents for only a few months for our sanity, or find a roommate.

Good lord give me strength.  And job leads.

 

Reboot

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Hello, strangers!  You’ve probably given up on me, and honestly for the past many months, so had I.  I hereby resolve to recommit myself to my original goal with this blog – keeping accountable and inspired.

A few things that I would’ve written about in the past several months:

- I got a dog!  She’s the best.
– I turned 30.  It’s just alright.
– I got a Fitbit.  I’m still evaluating its value.
– I’m going to break up with my gym.  Lord, give me strength.
– I’m slowly developing into a Wagnerian soprano.  It is both intimidating and exciting.
– I’m going to Europe in a few weeks!

I’ll probably write a post or two about some of these, and I’ll DEFINITELY put in an update about my trip.  So excited.

Eggs

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Guess who’s currently at the tail end of having a really long, soul-searching cry?

I recently decided that my iPhone and laptop are banned from my bedroom when I’m trying to fall asleep (except of course for this momentary exception), and without them there are no distractions. Lying awake in bed waiting for the couple on the 2nd floor to finish having sex so I could finally fall asleep, my mind started to wander. Only the sound of the rabbits above me, and the realization of my own loneliness below.

I’ve been pretty quiet on this blog for the past several weeks. I know better than this… I know I should push through and try to post things when I’m at a low point, but it is so hard to actually do it. When I’m feeling frustrated and helpless, nothing really catches my interest or seems to be worth writing about, much less reflecting on.

I think the past few months have been a time of realization for me. In many ways, moving back to Ft. Worth and into a better fitting job have filled the needs I knew they would. But I’m no longer in college. This city isn’t a constant mix of new people to meet and close friends just down the hall. I’m not experiencing the same life stage as most of my peers anymore. Why I thought a change of venue would remedy that is beyond me.

There are times (increasing in occurrence) when I’m convinced it doesn’t matter how much I accomplish in my professional life, because my personal life is already so stunted. I have watched my friends get married, buy houses, and have their first and second (and some of you overachievers, third) children. For a while, I dismissed my infrequent bouts of jealousy as just momentarily succumbing to that Southern ideal of the prescribed timeline. I shouldn’t have. I’m realizing now that pushing back those desires for the past 6-7 years has only delayed the inevitable: I truly want to get married, have children, and have a home of my own. And more often than not these days, I feel like I’ve run out of time. I’m both too late and too far behind. My head knows that’s a stupid, overly-simplistic statement, but my emotions are much stronger than my head when it comes to my personal life.

Not helping those emotions: mid-cry/life-analyzation tonight, I had a disappointing revelation. Over the past several years I’ve become more and more of an introvert. (Hi, introverts! This is not an insult… I’m just not naturally one of you. So, for me to slowly start acting like one is concerning.)

I realized that I’ve slowly become more and more reluctant to meet new people, to put myself in situations where there’s lots of social interaction (especially if it involves mid-to-upper-class “put-together” types… you know what I mean). But who is this? I may never have been the one dancing on tables at parties, but historically, I’ve never had problems making friends. Up through my first year of grad school, I was still operating on a pretty high level of self-confidence.

I think as the years progressed and I started to fit in less with my peers in terms of physical appearance, financial situation and relationship status, I just lost the desire to put myself out there. Too many chances to be judged. I never had the money, or the clothes, or the figure, or the relationship, that would give me that base level of confidence among people my age. (Also, singers can be petty, judgmental bitches, so there’s that.)

I’ve never thought that these potential judgements from strangers would’ve been fair, or accurate, or based in any kind of logic, but one can only tell themselves that so many times before it sounds like you’re just making excuses. I like me, but I’m not sure anyone else will. What the fuck.

It’s not lost on me that more consistent exercise would brighten my mood pretty dependably even without factoring in weight loss, but the challenge of re-motivating oneself to get back into the pattern is bigger than you’d think. I’m also convinced my body is still adjusting to both the re-introduction of hormones and the fact that the sky currently gets dark at 5pm (yes, that really does affect me). Right now, I feel like I’m barely fighting a hopeless battle.

Please don’t read too much into this, but feel free to read a little into it. I’m pretty sad these days, when I’m not busy being happy.

Dance Class, Day 2

Today, my sister and I went to our second class at the new gym, a dance class with a different teacher.  I am so out of practice.  It’s amazing what 3-4 months off will do to you.  (Also, carpet instead of wooden floors… kind of a bummer, but I’ll get used to it.)

My sister took well to the moves used in this class – a little more 80’s-inspired than I’m used to – but I pretty much felt like this the entire time.  (Ok, let’s be real…even worse than this.)