Guess who’s currently at the tail end of having a really long, soul-searching cry?
I recently decided that my iPhone and laptop are banned from my bedroom when I’m trying to fall asleep (except of course for this momentary exception), and without them there are no distractions. Lying awake in bed waiting for the couple on the 2nd floor to finish having sex so I could finally fall asleep, my mind started to wander. Only the sound of the rabbits above me, and the realization of my own loneliness below.
I’ve been pretty quiet on this blog for the past several weeks. I know better than this… I know I should push through and try to post things when I’m at a low point, but it is so hard to actually do it. When I’m feeling frustrated and helpless, nothing really catches my interest or seems to be worth writing about, much less reflecting on.
I think the past few months have been a time of realization for me. In many ways, moving back to Ft. Worth and into a better fitting job have filled the needs I knew they would. But I’m no longer in college. This city isn’t a constant mix of new people to meet and close friends just down the hall. I’m not experiencing the same life stage as most of my peers anymore. Why I thought a change of venue would remedy that is beyond me.
There are times (increasing in occurrence) when I’m convinced it doesn’t matter how much I accomplish in my professional life, because my personal life is already so stunted. I have watched my friends get married, buy houses, and have their first and second (and some of you overachievers, third) children. For a while, I dismissed my infrequent bouts of jealousy as just momentarily succumbing to that Southern ideal of the prescribed timeline. I shouldn’t have. I’m realizing now that pushing back those desires for the past 6-7 years has only delayed the inevitable: I truly want to get married, have children, and have a home of my own. And more often than not these days, I feel like I’ve run out of time. I’m both too late and too far behind. My head knows that’s a stupid, overly-simplistic statement, but my emotions are much stronger than my head when it comes to my personal life.
Not helping those emotions: mid-cry/life-analyzation tonight, I had a disappointing revelation. Over the past several years I’ve become more and more of an introvert. (Hi, introverts! This is not an insult… I’m just not naturally one of you. So, for me to slowly start acting like one is concerning.)
I realized that I’ve slowly become more and more reluctant to meet new people, to put myself in situations where there’s lots of social interaction (especially if it involves mid-to-upper-class “put-together” types… you know what I mean). But who is this? I may never have been the one dancing on tables at parties, but historically, I’ve never had problems making friends. Up through my first year of grad school, I was still operating on a pretty high level of self-confidence.
I think as the years progressed and I started to fit in less with my peers in terms of physical appearance, financial situation and relationship status, I just lost the desire to put myself out there. Too many chances to be judged. I never had the money, or the clothes, or the figure, or the relationship, that would give me that base level of confidence among people my age. (Also, singers can be petty, judgmental bitches, so there’s that.)
I’ve never thought that these potential judgements from strangers would’ve been fair, or accurate, or based in any kind of logic, but one can only tell themselves that so many times before it sounds like you’re just making excuses. I like me, but I’m not sure anyone else will. What the fuck.
It’s not lost on me that more consistent exercise would brighten my mood pretty dependably even without factoring in weight loss, but the challenge of re-motivating oneself to get back into the pattern is bigger than you’d think. I’m also convinced my body is still adjusting to both the re-introduction of hormones and the fact that the sky currently gets dark at 5pm (yes, that really does affect me). Right now, I feel like I’m barely fighting a hopeless battle.
Please don’t read too much into this, but feel free to read a little into it. I’m pretty sad these days, when I’m not busy being happy.